Children love to play. Narvi loves to play when he is in his child form. He loves all kinds of toys. He has no real preference for toys he just wants to play. He is a bit more active if you live near water. He loves the water. Splashing in the water. Funning though the water. Collecting things off the ‘beach’. He loves the water.
Now understand that this is my UPG. Mine. Personal. Do not know if others share it. Do not care. Personal. My UPG.
Narvi who has three forms to me. A small boy of about five. A young man about fifteen. A man of about twenty-four. His appearance is pale skin with golden hair bright green eyes. He has a lively laugh.
As a young boy is always ready to play. He loves the water. He dreamed of being a sailor captain on the great oceans that Ran and His Grandfather Njord presided over. He loves bodies of water. He loves to swim and sport in the water.
As a young man his blond hair looks tousled by the winds from the ocean and you can smell the brine on him. He has an easy but shy smile on his face at all times. His voice is soft and strong. He carries a net over his shoulder.
As a man the smell of brine surrounds him. He still has a soft voice yet he knows how to bellow over the ocean storms to be heard. His hair is still tousled by the wind. He looks quite lean and strong of body.
Yes there will be three posts today. Why because I am a silly head and I am in a daze forgetting stuffs.
Fenrir is unhappy today. I can feel it. He does not understand this human need to pick on the way others are doing things. He does not get it. Matter of fact he wants to eat everyone involved in the problem no matter who they are tied to or what good they give to the community. He is angered to say the least.
I just wish for my peace of mind that the petty bickering would just stop. I mean that stop. If you do not like what someone else is doing in their practice you do not need to air it. Please keep it to your self. The Wolf is not that chained people, he is not bound. Telling the Wolf “No you cannot go eat them. I know they are stupid. I know I am only human as of now. Please do not eat them. They might give you indigestion!” He relents for now but does not mean he does not want to eat these people.
I try to take people’s words and see what works for me and what does not. If the words do not work. I toss them in the circle file and I am done. I am not going to go around and bash/demonize anyone. That is childish and I think most pagans/heathens are not children anymore. If you do not like a persons thoughts on practice than do not read them. Do not allow them into your bubble. It your space keep it clean for yourself.
Your practice is yours. I know I must honor the gods and those that breathed before me for that is important to the faith ways I am practicing. i am working on doing something for them every day. I am not good about it. I lack consistency but I try and I keep trying. I do not blame anyone nor get angry at those who do it better or even different from my own.
Fenrir still wants to eat people…..
My brain shut off apparently. I forgot to post for the last few days. Each day it gets harder to figure out what to post . I do enjoy the challenge. This is something I have been thinking about for a long time. Self-introspection time.
Fenrir has been with me longer than I can think of. Much like Dad and Uncle he has been with me forever. The others have lurked on the edges and are now coming out more. Which is good.
I have been pondering if Fenrir is the source of my temper and my anger at being mistreated by others. I think about that and the deep depression I hit sometimes but not enough to worry about it. I think on it. I was very temperamental back in the day. I mean fly off the handle red head rage and I do not have red hair. I find now a days things do anger me but they do not trigger that dangerous red rage. That rage that if I could channel it though the screen would have killed people dead. I ponder if I was feeling His anger at my mistreatment and not mine or even if it was a combo of both of us. No one likes being hurt, I think being close with him it made it larger for me. I mean larger.
Plus anger is supposed to go away after you emote it. Mine does not always go away. It sometimes lingers for days on end. It will seem to go down only to flair up.
So I ponder if a lot of my anger or the lingering of my anger is my closeness to Fenrir. I still have not come up with an answer personally yet. Though I have been told that it is possible it could be. If it is than so be it. Something I need to work on not letting him influence my rage, my anger and not getting caught up in his.
I have been caught up in His rage. Let me tell you that is some scary ass shit right there. I mean that too. Scary. His anger is can be on a loop which is broken repeat cycle which scares the crap out of a body. It is terrifying and hurts to see. Sometimes he allows you to touch him to bring him back to sanity or he grabs you up and takes you for a ride in the whirlwind that is his rage.
The ride is scary shit. His rage rides are not fun. His depression rides are not fun. Fenrir’s happy rides are fun. He is not always happy and I cherish those times when he is.
And I still ponder where my anger/rage ends and his begins. When I figure that out I will get back to everyone who reads this blog about it.
Fenrir as personal guilt.
I think Fenrir repentants out guilt as well. He represents all the things we consider ugly, wild, untamed about ourselves. He is the side that will not allow others to harm us. He is the one who reminds us that our wildness is not ugly but beautiful. He is our guilt at not treating ourselves with right or correct behaivour to ourself.
He reminds us that no matter how we bind these feelings. Bind out negativity that it will break free. It will devour ous and our sanity. That burying and binding something like that can destroy us in the end.
That is something to think about.
Burying and binding something that is a part of you in the end when it breaks free can destroy you. It can tear you apart and swallow you whole in it’s madness.
So Fenrir reminds us to deal with what ever is bothering us. Not to bury it. Not to chain it. He reminds us not so gently to confront it. To deal with it. To own it. To make it a part of our self and not deny it.
Isolation. Fear. Pain
Today I will speak of isolation, fear and pain. Fenrir is isolated from everyone. He is bound and gagged from getting any help to free himself with. His isolation makes the pain and rage he feels worse. For there is no way to make it go away. Pain from the fetters digging into furred skin unrelentingly. To him the bonds seemed to enjoy harming him. It was like the more it hurt the better his now foes felt about his bindings. That angered him threw him into a rage. Made him in sheer instinct of a fettered animal strain against the bindings that would not break. The sword in his mouth that kept him from howling for his people to tell them where he was. Hurt. The wound it caused would not heal. The sharpness of the sword kept the wound fresh and bloody. His Immortally kept the wound from becoming infected. It still caused him great pain.
Within his bindings Fenrir learned a lesson he never learned until that day. Fear. He feared he not be free ever again. His fear let him into Rage. He feared trusting another living or dead being again. For what if they betrayed him into a new set of bindings.
Fenrir was not in a good place within his own soul. This was a lesson he did not want. He did not want to learn, fear, pain, isolation, depression, sadness, helplessness, longing, slavery, madness or any of the things he did learn.
He was bound for a long time. He had a long time to learn his new lessons. When he got loose Wrath was what he became as he hunted his Grandfather, his foe, his ultimate betrayer.
Fetters cutting into furred skin. Straining once again against them. Hoping that they would break. Something lands on his back. He stills for a moment feeling soft feet walking along his spine. The soft steps stopped at one of the fetters. The soft step was gone. Fenrir strained and realized that the fetter was falling off him.
He howled in triumph as he bounded off to hunt him. To hunt the one who had betrayed more than just him but his family.
A lone figure watched. “It is done. It begins.” The voice of the one who freed the wolf god spoke softly not giving away who they where to anyone listening, the figure turned than disappears.
Fenrir as sorrow.
I would say to truly know Fenrir you have to weep for him. You have to feel his darkest sorrow to his deepest howling rage. To weep with the great wolf is both therapeutic and binding. He is power unchained when he is free. When weeping for him, I weep for his lost freedom. For the lost trust he has in others. I weep for it was fear that ultimately bound him. I weep for the deep depression he spills into for he is chained.
Than I weep when I feel him freed. I weep for those who embrace him and embrace the darker sides of themselves. I weep for those that walk a path others fear. I weep for him and the choices that bound him. I weep for the choice his parents made in not freeing him when either one of them could have. I weep for him. I weep for the binding of his nature.
I weep for Fenrir.
I weep for the pain he endured until he gained his freedom. I weep for what bound him. I weep for the sword that is stuck in him and cannot free itself for it is a sword and has no way of doing that. I weep for his lost voice while chained and the sword though his muzzle.
I weep for Fenrir.
I weep for Him.
I weep for those that follow his Father, Loki. I weep for the sorrows that they endure because of others treatment of them. I weep for those that follow his Father and anger his Father. I weep for those called to ordeal. I weep for those that speak out and people call them names. I weep for those that resort to name calling and not going hard on what ever subject the other person was hosting. I weep for Fenrir.
I weep for Him.
I sorrow for his pain. I weep. I live though his pain. I feel what He felt as he was chained. I feel the silk rope cutting into him. I feel the sharpness of the blade that it is in his muzzle. I weep for his rage and loneliness.
I weep for Fenrir hoping that in my sorrow He can find healing. I weep so He can find a way to heal from the pain. So I weep for and with him. I weep.
What I think of when I think of Fenrir. These are my personal thoughts now.
Fenrir is the wind blowing though your hair
Fenrir is a wolf’s lonely howl
Fenrir is the snapping of fire as it burn
Fenrir is the feeling deep within that will not give up
Fenrir is the feeling of healing of wounds that you though would never heal
Fenrir is pure rage
Fenrir is the mob whipped into a frenzy
Fenrir is what and whom he is.
This is a personal story of how Fenrir met his sons for the first time. In my story their Mother is yet unknown to Fenrir he does not know her name. Only that she appeared to him as a beautiful white wolf. This is a personal story. This is UPG.
Fenrir was looking over his sons Sköll and Hati he looks up at his father. He knew what their names where the moment he saw them. He also knew they chase the sun and the moon. Mayhap not to eat them but because chasing things is fun and the fear was a bit addicting. He nose bumped one into the other. They rolled black and white furred. Hati looked like a smaller version of Himself Sköll looked like his Mother pure white.
“Who is their Mother Father?” Fenrir asked him, “why did you bring them to me and not her? I can smell her on them. The scent I should know it but it eludes my memory.”
“Your Grandfather brought them to me to give to you.” Loki looked at his son. “I do not know why he did that. He did and that is all I know.”
“Still makes no sense.” Fenrir pinned each one under a leg. “They are feisty like their Mother.”
Loki laughed at his son and his grandsons. “I am sure.” He pauses, “Fenrir where did you meet this wolf?”
“In the Iron Woods,” He licked his sons clean. Keeping them pinned he looked up at his father. “She was there in a field hunting. I watched her wondering how such a beautiful creature was not part of her own pack and leading it. She brought down a small dear and was eating it. I watched another creature come into the clearing only to realize she was much bigger than they were. She was about my size when I go bigger.”
Loki laughed a little bit, “I bet that predator that thought it could steal a kill from one wolf was surprised by her size.”
“I think he was. So I watched her. She was snowy white she looked like she belonged even farther north than what we where that the snow would give her an advantage unlike the current weather.” He paused thinking and chewed on Sköll a little bit making him whine and settle down. Hati had fallen asleep under his father’s leg. “She honestly stood out against the green and brown of the woods. I was impressed by her movement.” He paused and looked a little embarrassed at his father. “Then I caught her scent. The wind had kept her scent away from me. All of a sudden it is blown in my face. My reason left me. I started to chase her.”
Loki smirked at his son. “Ah she was ready to be mated with and was unaware you were around or she would have bolted earlier without her deer kill.”
“So I let out a howl and the chase began.” Fenrir circled his puppies with his body they were both asleep. “She lead me on a merry chase Father. I have never worked so hard in my life to catch anything or anyone like I worked to gain her.” He wrinkled his nose, “it surprised me how much I wanted her. I am not usually moved so deeply. I just wanted her. So I caught her. I wrestled her. I won the wrestling match. I bested her in strength. We mated. It was everything I had been told it was. I was enraptured by it. She seemed to enjoy it as well. We curled up together after wards. Falling asleep together in the pine boughs.” He paused looking down at his sons. “I knew children would result from that. I was not thinking about that at the time. When I woke she was gone. Her scent lingered. If it had not I would have sworn she was a dream.”
Loki nodded, “Well my Son you have two fine sons from an unknown female wolf.” He caressed his son’s ears. “I love you Fenrir I am going back home now.”
“Good journey Father,” Fenrir put his large head over his boys and closed his eyes joining them in slumber.
“I think my son,” Loki spoke softly more to himself than to Fenrir. “I think I know who she is but without proof it is only conjecture.” His scarred lips smiled as he walked home carrying with him the wonderful site of Fenrir and his sons.
I am supposed to write about Fenrir today and I am emotionally not in a good place to do it. I am going to try my best but I am raw right now. I just love internet anon bullies. Love them. Fenrir seems to want to go eat whomever did this but I do not know who they are, they are anon.
As always this is a personal thoughts on a very personal path that I am walking alone.
Today is an emotionally raw day. It is something Fenrir knows well. He feels raw emotion wise like this most of the time. He was hurt so greatly by those who should have never done it. In modern terms he was abused by the system that thought it knew better for him. He was the victim of a system that thought in doing what it did it was for the better of all concerned, including Himself.
It was not better. It only made things much much worse in the end.
He was left alone. He was chained. He was even hurt in the process. He received nothing that day but chains. He recognized he had also hurt the one person whom he trusted. That hurt as well. Hurt and confusion. Wounds left to fester as they healed. Festering hurting physical wounds and emotional ones. Yet he says that someone cleaned the festering wounds and bandaged them up so they heal, even with scaring they still healed cleanly.
The physical wounds healed. They left behind scars. The emotional ones did not heal as quickly. They festered and bleed, creating scars upon scars.
I feel in his loneliness that Fenrir missed something. He missed the one who he hurt checking up on him. I feel Tyr checked up on the one who he helped chain for he felt guilt. Fenrir trusted the man. I just think he waited for Fenrir to sleep to tend to the wolf’s wounds and because Fenrir trusted him still even after everything he slept while Tyr bandaged and took care of those wounds until they healed.
I believe Fenrir recognized that Tyr helped him. That Tyr was still his friend even if Tyr was given the choice that was not a choice. The two were bound together by love. Love is a strong bond.
Tyr loved Fenrir. Loved him to make the not choice to bind him. Loved him enough to help the wolf he loved heal. Loved him enough to recognize that Fenrir might grow to hate him to and did not care. He loved the wolf.