Narvi Day Three

Now understand that this is my UPG. Mine. Personal. Do not know if others share it. Do not care. Personal. My UPG.

Narvi who has three forms to me. A small boy of about five. A young man about fifteen. A man of about twenty-four. His appearance is pale skin with golden hair bright green eyes. He has a lively laugh.

As a young boy is always ready to play. He loves the water. He dreamed of being a sailor captain on the great oceans that Ran and His Grandfather Njord presided over. He loves bodies of water. He loves to swim and sport in the water.

As a young man his blond hair looks tousled by the winds from the ocean and you can smell the brine on him. He has an easy but shy smile on his face at all times. His voice is soft and strong. He carries a net over his shoulder.

As a man the smell of brine surrounds him. He still has a soft voice yet he knows how to bellow over the ocean storms to be heard. His hair is still tousled by the wind. He looks quite lean and strong of body.

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Fenrir day 19 (lost day)

Yes there will be three posts today. Why because I am a silly head and I am in a daze forgetting stuffs.

Fenrir is unhappy today. I can feel it. He does not understand this human need to pick on the way others are doing things. He does not get it. Matter of fact he wants to eat everyone involved in the problem no matter who they are tied to or what good they give to the community. He is angered to say the least.

I just wish for my peace of mind that the petty bickering would just stop. I mean that stop. If you do not like what someone else is doing in their practice you do not need to air it. Please keep it to your self. The Wolf is not that chained people, he is not bound. Telling the Wolf “No you cannot go eat them. I know they are stupid. I know I am only human as of now. Please do not eat them. They might give you indigestion!” He relents for now but does not mean he does not want to eat these people.

I try to take people’s words and see what works for me and what does not. If the words do not work. I toss them in the circle file and I am done. I am not going to go around and bash/demonize anyone. That is childish and I think most pagans/heathens are not children anymore. If you do not like a persons thoughts on practice than do not read them. Do not allow them into your bubble. It your space keep it clean for yourself.

Your practice is yours. I know I must honor the gods and those that breathed before me for that is important to the faith ways I am practicing. i am working on doing something for them every day. I am not good about it. I lack consistency but I try and I keep trying. I do not blame anyone nor get angry at those who do it better or even different from my own.

Fenrir still wants to eat people…..

Fenrir 16

Fenrir as personal guilt.

I think Fenrir repentants out guilt as well. He represents all the things we consider ugly, wild, untamed about ourselves. He is the side that will not allow others to harm us. He is the one who reminds us that our wildness is not ugly but beautiful. He is our guilt at not treating ourselves with right or correct behaivour to ourself.

He reminds us that no matter how we bind these feelings. Bind out negativity that it will break free. It will devour ous and our sanity. That burying and binding something like that can destroy us in the end.

That is something to think about.

Burying and binding something that is a part of you in the end when it breaks free can destroy you. It can tear you apart and swallow you whole in it’s madness.

So Fenrir reminds us to deal with what ever is bothering us. Not to bury it. Not to chain it. He reminds us not so gently to confront it. To deal with it. To own it. To make it a part of our self and not deny it.

Fenrir day 14

Isolation. Fear. Pain

Today I will speak of isolation, fear and pain. Fenrir is isolated from everyone. He is bound and gagged from getting any help to free himself with. His isolation makes the pain and rage he feels worse. For there is no way to make it go away.  Pain from the fetters digging into furred skin unrelentingly. To him the bonds seemed to enjoy harming him. It was like the more it hurt the better his now foes felt about his bindings. That angered him threw him into a rage. Made him in sheer instinct of a fettered animal strain against the bindings that would not break. The sword in his mouth that kept him from howling for his people to tell them where he was. Hurt. The wound it caused would not heal. The sharpness of the sword kept the wound fresh and bloody. His Immortally kept the wound from becoming infected. It still caused him great pain.

Within his bindings Fenrir learned a lesson he never learned until that day. Fear. He feared he not be free ever again. His fear let him into Rage. He feared trusting another living or dead being again. For what if they betrayed him into a new set of bindings.

Fenrir was not in a good place within his own soul. This was a lesson he did not want. He did not want to learn, fear, pain, isolation, depression, sadness, helplessness, longing, slavery, madness or any of the things he did learn.

He was bound for a long time. He had a long time to learn his new lessons. When he got loose Wrath was what he became as he hunted his Grandfather, his foe, his ultimate betrayer.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Fetters cutting into furred skin. Straining once again against them. Hoping that they would break. Something lands on his back. He stills for a moment feeling soft feet walking along his spine. The soft steps stopped at one of the fetters. The soft step was gone. Fenrir strained and realized that the fetter was falling off him.

He howled in triumph as he bounded off to hunt him. To hunt the one who had betrayed more than just him but his family.

A lone figure watched. “It is done. It begins.” The voice of the one who freed the wolf god spoke softly not giving away who they where to anyone listening, the figure turned than disappears.

Fenrir day 13

Fenrir as sorrow.

I would say to truly know Fenrir you have to weep for him. You have to feel his darkest sorrow to his deepest howling rage. To weep with the great wolf is both therapeutic and binding. He is power unchained when he is free. When weeping for him, I weep for his lost freedom.  For the lost trust he has in others. I weep for it was fear that ultimately bound him. I weep for the deep depression he spills into for he is chained.

Than I weep when I feel him freed. I weep for those who embrace him and embrace the darker sides of themselves. I weep for those that walk a path others fear. I weep for him and the choices that bound him. I weep for the choice his parents made in not freeing him when either one of them could have. I weep for him. I weep for the binding of his nature.

I weep for Fenrir.

I weep for the pain he endured until he gained his freedom. I weep for what bound him. I weep for the sword that is stuck in him and cannot free itself for it is a sword and has no way of doing that. I weep for his lost voice while chained and the sword though his muzzle.

I weep for Fenrir.

I weep for Him.

I weep for those that follow his Father, Loki. I weep for the sorrows that they endure because of others treatment of them. I weep for those that follow his Father and anger his Father. I weep for those called to ordeal. I weep for those that speak out and people call them names. I weep for those that resort to name calling and not going hard on what ever subject the other person was hosting. I weep for Fenrir.

I weep for Him.

I sorrow for his pain. I weep. I live though his pain. I feel what He felt as he was chained. I feel the silk rope cutting into him. I feel the sharpness of the blade that it is in his muzzle. I weep for his rage and loneliness.

I weep for Fenrir hoping that in my sorrow He can find healing. I weep so He can find a way to heal from the pain. So I weep for and with him. I weep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fenrir day eleven

What I think of when I think of Fenrir. These are my personal thoughts now.

Fenrir is the wind blowing though your hair

Fenrir is a wolf’s lonely howl

Fenrir is the snapping of fire as it burn

Fenrir is the feeling deep within that will not give up

Fenrir is the feeling of healing of wounds that you though would never heal

Fenrir is pure rage

Fenrir is the mob whipped into a frenzy

Fenrir is what and whom he is.

Fenrir day nine

I am supposed to write about Fenrir today and I am emotionally not in a good place to do it. I am going to try my best but I am raw right now. I just love internet anon bullies. Love them.  Fenrir seems to want to go eat whomever did this but I do not know who they are, they are anon.

As always this is a personal thoughts on a very personal path that I am walking alone.

~*~*~*~*~

Today is an emotionally raw day. It is something Fenrir knows well. He feels raw emotion wise like this most of the time. He was hurt so greatly by those who should have never done it. In modern terms he was abused by the system that thought it knew better for him. He was the victim of a system that thought in doing what it did it was for the better of all concerned, including Himself.

It was not better. It only made things much much worse in the end.

He was left alone. He was chained. He was even hurt in the process. He received nothing that day but chains. He recognized he had also hurt the one person whom he trusted. That hurt as well. Hurt and confusion. Wounds left to fester as they healed. Festering hurting physical wounds and emotional ones. Yet he says that someone cleaned the festering wounds and bandaged them up so they heal, even with scaring they still healed cleanly.

The physical wounds healed. They left behind scars. The emotional ones did not heal as quickly. They festered and bleed, creating scars upon scars.

I feel in his loneliness that Fenrir missed something. He missed the one who he hurt checking up on him. I feel Tyr checked up on the one who he helped chain for he felt guilt. Fenrir trusted the man. I just think he waited for Fenrir to sleep to tend to the wolf’s wounds and because Fenrir trusted him still even after everything he slept while Tyr bandaged and took care of those wounds until they healed.

I believe Fenrir recognized that Tyr helped him. That Tyr was still his friend even if Tyr was given the choice that was not a choice. The two were bound together by love. Love is a strong bond.

Tyr loved Fenrir. Loved him to make the not choice to bind him. Loved him enough to help the wolf he loved heal. Loved him enough to recognize that Fenrir might grow to hate him to and did not care. He loved the wolf.

Fenrir Day eight

Emotional upheaval– The emotions that churn inside waiting for a moment to break free, that is also Fenris.

This will be today’s topic. These as always are my personal thoughts and take on Fenrir/Fenris. My personal thoughts, feelings, working with him. Mine, no one else has them as far as I know. So mine. Yes mine. No one elses.

Emotional upheaval. Yes that is part of what he is. Why do I believe that? Simple after surviving on rage, despair, anger, depression, and revenge fueling him. He is released(no one knows how the great wolf is freed). After gaining victory over the one who was the conductor of the orchestra of his pain. What did he have to live fore? He gotten his revenge. But what happens after that fact?

Here is where He would have to do his own soul searching. Discover what he is worth to himself. His anger his rage have been quelled but now what does he do with his life? Not that in the stories he has time to truly ponder them before he meets his ending as well.

Yet I sit here and ponder with Him trying to help him figure out what He is supposed to do with himself. He knows he can destroy things, that is his job. He understands why that is scary. He is starting to understand his chaining. It still angers him but he is starting to understand.

I remind him that was because the one who is supposed to balance him was not born yet. He always gives me an odd look when I say that too him.

You see to me Fenrir is missing his other half. He is missing the one who would heal the destruction that he creates. The one who would pick up the pieces and make them whole. This other half does not have to be a lover or even female. This person could be just his partner in crime. “Here this area is destroyed to make way for what you need to do.” The partner would go though and heal the wounds that Fenrir created.

He looked at me when I told him that and sighed. He does not know if such a person exists. I told him give it time. Mayhap they do not know their power yet. He just growls at me.

So I help him heal his emotional wounds. I even go though his emotions with him and than wonder why I am such a mess.

Fenrir day 7

These are my personal thoughts, feelings, and ideas.

Today i think another story for Himself. He seems to like the idea.

~*~*~*~*~

I look over at my cousin. It is another day. I know Uncle is pleased to see him. Much like them all I hope the cycle is broken. I think it is though. I am here or was born I am not going to let my cousins get hurt. I am not going to let my family get destroyed. It is not going to happen. It is not needed.

What is truly funny about our woods that we live in. It marches with the Iron Woods. We share a border with those that are our friends and foes. Depending on the mood of their leaders. Though I confess they seem unable to find Uncle’s house. I think that has a lot to do with her.

Fenrir agrees with me he thinks it has to do with his mother the Warrior Queen Angrboda. She has taught us both to hunt. She has also taught Vali how to hunt as well. She seems to think that Narvi will not be bound for the forest, he is bound for the ocean. Which oddly enough we have a border with. The ocean is just over a hill on the south of us. We find Narvi there a lot playing in the tide pools and with his little toy boat.

So Fenrir and I go into the woods to hunt. We sniff the air. Looking for the scent of a deer or two. Maybe today we will get an elk. Alls I know is we need to get more than one for Fenrir is a hungry one. Though he does try to modulate his eating. I am wondering if that is a curse on him. I need to research. Sometimes I think She feels that too.

So we move thought  the woods like one body or even like a wolf pack. Something Vali pointed out to Uncle. Uncle smiled and told Vali not to say that when his Uncle Thor was present. Vali gave his Dad a look I understood why. I am sure my father has plans for my marriage or what not that do not include my erstwhile cousin. Handsome enough as he is.

Fenrir moves with a wolfish grace. His dark hair braided. His skin darker than mine by a shade or two. He always looks a bit tan to me. Fenrir sniffs the air and smiles. The air carries the scent of the elk to us. So we move catching site of the elk heard moving. There where three stragglers behind the heard. As one we raised our bows letting an arrow off. I got one. Fenrir got one and the last one I think he got, we both shot it mind you but Fenrir got the killing blow.

I was finding my cousin was always just a tiny bit better than me at somethings. Though he teases me that he could never be as good as I was being a woman. I rolled my eyes at him. I understood being a man. I can shift my shape much like Uncle can.

So we field gutted them and Fenrir ate the gutted inners but the things Sygins would want to make sausages. That made me smile. Fenrir carried two of them back. I carried one. Both of us could have carried all three on our own. We share the same strength. Though I do not think my cousin knows that.

At home we both skin them as they hang up blood dripping out of them being caught into large pails. I take the two skins from Fenrir he was quicker than I was. His skinning was quite good. Though he did make me feel slow. I took the skins and started the curing process. That would go on for a few days. And by the time a few weeks were done we have silky elk hides to do something with.

Sygins looked at the three elk. She than looked at us. “Good job. Two will have to be preserved, one we will eat today.”

We all smile at the thought of that.

“Go get Narvi you two.” Uncle asked us. “I know you are not in charge of him. Vali is out hunting a bit too and.” his voice trailed off. We both sighed and went to go fetch our cousin/brother from his date with the sea. The sea honestly seemed to love my cousin to bits. He never drowned. There was always a sea creature to help him. It was amazing.

So as we created the hill to watch the sea for a moment. We both took in a deep breathe and marveled at how the forest and sea smelled so delicious together. We finished walking down the hill. Fenrir grabbed my hand to hold it. he gave it a squeeze. He smiled.

He smiled a lot more lately or so my Uncle claimed. We walked the beach holding hands looking for Narvi. I spotted him he was playing with his boat in a pool of the sea. I mean that it was a pool, not a tide pool but a pool like area that the sea seemed to create just for Narvi and his boat to play in.

We come up to him. He picks up his boat and smiles widely at us. “Going back now?” He asked us. I let go of Fenrir’s hand in order to pick him up. He was so light weight. I worried about him some times, most of the time, make that all of the time.

“You know he can walk.” Fenrir pointed out to me as we walked back to the cabin. I was carrying an exhausted Narvi. Who was resting his head on my collar bone.

“I think Fenrir is jealous.” Narvi’s small voice chimed in. “He always glares when ever I climb in your lap or cuddle with you.”

I look over at Fenrir I detected a slight change of colouring but nothing that was a note worthy blush along his skin. Unlike mine super pale you embarrass me I will be the same colour as my red curly hair. “I do not think he is.”

“I do.”

I felt Fenrir glare over in our general direction. I am sure he was glaring at Narvi and not me. The weight of his glare was heavy. I just smiled down at Narvi. “I think I will cuddle with whom ever I want and who is brave enough to do so.” I informed them both.

Narvi giggled and Fenrir sighed and I found my self in a half hug the rest of the walk home with Narvi giggling in my arms,

Fenris day six

As always these are my personal thoughts. PERSONAL thoughts and no one elses. This is my journal and I am solo but for Them.

Fenris as I ponder his name so many thoughts come to me. Sometimes I think he and I spend too much time in each other’s emotional space than it what would be good to us both. I look back and wonder if the rage I felt in the past of being used by people was mine or if it was really him. He and I are tied together though bonds of love and affection.

He finds love an odd thing. He much like most does not understand it. Love is an odd feeling that has so many levels. The levels that love have have never been plumbed to their deepest depths.  I am not even sure if the gods that represent love understand it’s depths.

I love my angry cousin very deeply. I understand his rage. I understand his anger. I understand his hurt. I understand the questioning of the whys. I understand feeling betrayed. I understand feeling alone in the world. I understand being misunderstood, even hated. I understand him all too well.

My cousin has great power you know. He eats and destroys things. He takes things that were stagnate and destroys them. He destroys them so that the very brave and not so brave can rebuild and make their lives better. Though they do not know that.

I am going to share a small story for you. Something  I remember of the far distant past. It might be a memory. It could be a fantasy. Or it might just be a dream walk vision. I am unsure of it but here it is.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I hear a grunt as I tread with great care though the forest. I am hunting deer at the moment. The one I shot ran this way. I than heard a snap and the sounds of someone eating. I frowned thinking I lost my dinner and food for the next day for my Uncle’s family. I was trying to help. Dad was gone and he would usually hunt for them.

I continue to go toward that sound of something eating. I tread to the edge of a clearing and I see him. Uncle had told me that his son Fenrir was bound somewhere in the woods. Leave it to me to find him, the great wolf. I stand there staring at him eating the dear I had wounded. I noted he was savoring it like he had not had food in a while. He stops eating and sniffs the air.

“You might as well come out.” The great wolf said, “why do you smell like my father?”

I walked out of the woods and looked up at him. “Dad and I live in a cabin next to Uncle. Aunt Sygins’ kept me alive with her milk.”

“Oh you are his child that makes you my cousin. Why should I not eat you?” He looks at me. “I am still hungry.”

“We are cousins and I just gave you a deer, even if it was unintentional.”

His eyes take in my quiver of arrows noting their feathers. My feathers was purple, Uncle would tease me about my vanity for I choose a shade of purple that needed to be dyed as such. He eyed the arrow sticking out of the deer it matched. He nodded as well as he could chained so.

“You should not be chained still.”

He looks at me. “I am chained again. Memory has chained me here.” He rattled them at me. I can feel his anger at the world and himself.

I walk forward knowing if he wanted to he could just gobble me up. He was known to swallow up whole people. He allowed me to touch him. I touched the side of his muzzle. His black fur was so soft.

“You look like a bit of the night sky just sitting here.” He gave me this odd look as he allowed me to inspect him. He was right it was the chains memory that had gotten him. He broken them once but they held him fast again. “If you where freed would you come back with me to the cabin to eat with Uncle and the rest of us?”

“You mean father?” He tilted his great wolfen head at me. Then he sniffed me. Butting me away from his bonds for the moment. I found my self suddenly under a great paw. He examined me. “Where do you get this curly red hair from. Your Father is red bearded most of the time and his hair is not red though it can be depending on his mood. Your hair is constant red. Your eyes are violet and you seem quite stong. I know I took you by surprise and you are not struggling?” He seemed surprised by this.

“If you where going to eat me I’d already be in your belly.” I look up at him from my space on the ground. “My red hair truly comes from both sides of the family which is why I ended up with it. Thought he curly comes from Mum’s side.”

He lifts his paw off me. Bumping me with his nose as I stand up causing me to almost loose my balance.

“Let us get these chains off permanently.” I know he does not believe I can. I do not blame him. I walk to where each manacle is that holds him and touch it muttering a few choice words to them. They fall right off. He steps gingerly away from them. I pick them up and place them in my back pack. “I think I will have my Aunt Brigid make these into a dagger for you in your human form.”

“How do you know I have one of those?” He eyed me in his huge wolf form. Nose bumping me again until I grab a hold of his snout to say upright.

“A feeling plus your Daddy is a shapeshifter would not surprise me if his sons all have that gift.”

He gave me this look as he steps back. He shrinks and changes becoming a man. His hair is long black and would be wild if it was not braided. His dark bottomless eyes look at him. His skin is light but weathered and it is only because he chooses to look that way. I can see his strength as he moves. He walks up to me I feel even more in danger than I did with him in his wolf form. Though the danger here is far different. He is dressed for hunting much like I am. Though I feel that I am still on the menu to eat but now I am not sure what sort of eat I would be.

He smiles; his smile reminds me of Uncle. It is like he can read my thoughts as they flash though my eyes and who knows maybe he can.

“Let us hunt another deer cousin. Think you can hunt like a wolf pack hunts?” He teases me. I am wondering what else he is thinking for I know his senses are as good as mine are and I know what his current form is doing to me.

I nod to him and smile. “Let us hunt.” I pause and laugh at myself he winks at me surprising me with something I had forgotten to do.”

“It is fine Brannagh I was warned you might find me. Of course Dad left out your beauty.” He looked me over again. He smiled again. “Oh a blush let us hunt.”

So we hunted and brought back a deer. Uncle was happy to see it but his happiness expanded when he realized what else I brought back, his son. But that is a story memory for another day.