As always these are my personal thoughts. PERSONAL thoughts and no one elses. This is my journal and I am solo but for Them.
Fenris as I ponder his name so many thoughts come to me. Sometimes I think he and I spend too much time in each other’s emotional space than it what would be good to us both. I look back and wonder if the rage I felt in the past of being used by people was mine or if it was really him. He and I are tied together though bonds of love and affection.
He finds love an odd thing. He much like most does not understand it. Love is an odd feeling that has so many levels. The levels that love have have never been plumbed to their deepest depths. I am not even sure if the gods that represent love understand it’s depths.
I love my angry cousin very deeply. I understand his rage. I understand his anger. I understand his hurt. I understand the questioning of the whys. I understand feeling betrayed. I understand feeling alone in the world. I understand being misunderstood, even hated. I understand him all too well.
My cousin has great power you know. He eats and destroys things. He takes things that were stagnate and destroys them. He destroys them so that the very brave and not so brave can rebuild and make their lives better. Though they do not know that.
I am going to share a small story for you. Something I remember of the far distant past. It might be a memory. It could be a fantasy. Or it might just be a dream walk vision. I am unsure of it but here it is.
I hear a grunt as I tread with great care though the forest. I am hunting deer at the moment. The one I shot ran this way. I than heard a snap and the sounds of someone eating. I frowned thinking I lost my dinner and food for the next day for my Uncle’s family. I was trying to help. Dad was gone and he would usually hunt for them.
I continue to go toward that sound of something eating. I tread to the edge of a clearing and I see him. Uncle had told me that his son Fenrir was bound somewhere in the woods. Leave it to me to find him, the great wolf. I stand there staring at him eating the dear I had wounded. I noted he was savoring it like he had not had food in a while. He stops eating and sniffs the air.
“You might as well come out.” The great wolf said, “why do you smell like my father?”
I walked out of the woods and looked up at him. “Dad and I live in a cabin next to Uncle. Aunt Sygins’ kept me alive with her milk.”
“Oh you are his child that makes you my cousin. Why should I not eat you?” He looks at me. “I am still hungry.”
“We are cousins and I just gave you a deer, even if it was unintentional.”
His eyes take in my quiver of arrows noting their feathers. My feathers was purple, Uncle would tease me about my vanity for I choose a shade of purple that needed to be dyed as such. He eyed the arrow sticking out of the deer it matched. He nodded as well as he could chained so.
“You should not be chained still.”
He looks at me. “I am chained again. Memory has chained me here.” He rattled them at me. I can feel his anger at the world and himself.
I walk forward knowing if he wanted to he could just gobble me up. He was known to swallow up whole people. He allowed me to touch him. I touched the side of his muzzle. His black fur was so soft.
“You look like a bit of the night sky just sitting here.” He gave me this odd look as he allowed me to inspect him. He was right it was the chains memory that had gotten him. He broken them once but they held him fast again. “If you where freed would you come back with me to the cabin to eat with Uncle and the rest of us?”
“You mean father?” He tilted his great wolfen head at me. Then he sniffed me. Butting me away from his bonds for the moment. I found my self suddenly under a great paw. He examined me. “Where do you get this curly red hair from. Your Father is red bearded most of the time and his hair is not red though it can be depending on his mood. Your hair is constant red. Your eyes are violet and you seem quite stong. I know I took you by surprise and you are not struggling?” He seemed surprised by this.
“If you where going to eat me I’d already be in your belly.” I look up at him from my space on the ground. “My red hair truly comes from both sides of the family which is why I ended up with it. Thought he curly comes from Mum’s side.”
He lifts his paw off me. Bumping me with his nose as I stand up causing me to almost loose my balance.
“Let us get these chains off permanently.” I know he does not believe I can. I do not blame him. I walk to where each manacle is that holds him and touch it muttering a few choice words to them. They fall right off. He steps gingerly away from them. I pick them up and place them in my back pack. “I think I will have my Aunt Brigid make these into a dagger for you in your human form.”
“How do you know I have one of those?” He eyed me in his huge wolf form. Nose bumping me again until I grab a hold of his snout to say upright.
“A feeling plus your Daddy is a shapeshifter would not surprise me if his sons all have that gift.”
He gave me this look as he steps back. He shrinks and changes becoming a man. His hair is long black and would be wild if it was not braided. His dark bottomless eyes look at him. His skin is light but weathered and it is only because he chooses to look that way. I can see his strength as he moves. He walks up to me I feel even more in danger than I did with him in his wolf form. Though the danger here is far different. He is dressed for hunting much like I am. Though I feel that I am still on the menu to eat but now I am not sure what sort of eat I would be.
He smiles; his smile reminds me of Uncle. It is like he can read my thoughts as they flash though my eyes and who knows maybe he can.
“Let us hunt another deer cousin. Think you can hunt like a wolf pack hunts?” He teases me. I am wondering what else he is thinking for I know his senses are as good as mine are and I know what his current form is doing to me.
I nod to him and smile. “Let us hunt.” I pause and laugh at myself he winks at me surprising me with something I had forgotten to do.”
“It is fine Brannagh I was warned you might find me. Of course Dad left out your beauty.” He looked me over again. He smiled again. “Oh a blush let us hunt.”
So we hunted and brought back a deer. Uncle was happy to see it but his happiness expanded when he realized what else I brought back, his son. But that is a story memory for another day.